Gluten, You Bastard

It's a damn disgrace to be a Sad Sack when such joyous things are happening in our nation. Maybe it's a triscuits hangover, maybe it's a thirdlife crisis, but I feel like crap today. I really have nothing to say, except that I am giving up on one of the many books on gluten-free living that I borrowed from the library, Gluten-Free Girl: How I Found the Food That Loves Me Back... & How You Can Too (!) by Shauna James Ahern.

Obviously, I was feeling optimistic on the day I picked up the aforementioned book, and it had a sort of nice, warm, yellowy cover that made me feel better about the thought of never eating pizza, pasta, or normal crackers again (except for The Battle of the Triscuits vs. My Intestines yesterday, and we all know how that turned out). Unfortunately the author makes a point of stating at least once (or umpteen times) per chapter that she NEVER FEELS DEPRIVED, and EATS EVEN BETTER NOW THAT SHE HAS FOUND THE JOYS OF GLUTEN-FREE COOKING. And I'm just putting it in CAPS because that's kind of how it sounds in my head when I'm reading it. The author likes to cook and likes to shop and likes to read the ingredients on every product she buys, and to call the product hotlines to double-check, and to discuss the intricacies of her diet with waiters and chefs. And that's GREAT, but I hate cooking, and I think I will probably very soon start hating food entirely if I have to put the amount of thought and energy into every meal that the author seems to think is necessary. And I never got used to having to explain my vegetarianism to people, so now I have to be even more of a pain in the ass to eat with. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up sitting alone in a room with a bowl of broth, crying.

That being said, the author has Celiac Disease, whereas I guess I am only gluten intolerant, according to the results of my gene test. I will not pretend to understand the difference and will promptly stop acting like I know anything about it once I say: I think I have it not quite as bad as the celiacs. The Gluten-Free Girl says she has never been tempted to eat gluten since finding out that she has celiac disease, and says that to being tempted to eat gluten would be like feeling tempted to drink Drano. Exactly. Except pizza is delicious, and Drano, probably, not as much, and if the movie Heathers is to be believed, drain cleaner is actually deadly, whereas gluten, even in sensitive folks, I think usually just makes the person feel awful for a few days and have some weird poops. This woman is too good. I can't relate.

The prospect of feeling awful should be more of a deterrent though, I guess, and it may be worth asking why exactly I ate half a loaf of baguette on Sunday and half a box of Trisuits on Monday (the truth will set me free!!). Possibly I like feeling awful, or I assume I will feel awful anyway, and gluten is a handy explanation that can prevent me from looking any further for a root cause. Or I love bread, and am uncertain that life without bread is worth living.

If there's a 12-step for bread, I should probably join. Going forward, I will refer to gluten as "smack". I miss smack, but damn it makes me sick.

P.S. I'm not doing a Summary today. No one's reading this anyway, so I only have myself to disappoint. You lazy bitch.