After weeks, or years, or possibly forever of trying to be calm about these things, because women are expected to be hysterical and the idea of being thought to be hysterical makes me watch to punch someone in the testicles .... I mean, after let's just say a lifetime of trying to seem well-composed, I am actually fucking livid and may in fact actually be angry enough to say, fuck you, I am appropriately angry. I can get angry too. I can say things I will later regret.
Except that this should not have come as a surprise. Some people cannot tell the truth and some people cannot accurately identify their emotions. And some people are cowards and some people just aren't that into me, which is not a fucking epiphany regardless of what that book says. This would all be fine, except that I don't like being alone because it reminds me of the fact that I feel pointless and am probably one weekend spree away from becoming the filthy mess I already suspect myself of being. So I want to find some kind of prettier mess that reminds me of me, that I might be able to focus on a bit, or hide under for a while except that anyone who seems like me is unhappy like me, is stubborn like me, and is ultimately useless to me because I either can't get close enough, or when I do, the mess is more than I can handle. And I am angry that these are the only options that seem to be available to me. Because, believe me, I would go out with some nice boys if I could, but I can't. It depresses the living hell out of me to be with someone who isn't neurotic, or who is neurotic in the wrong way. I can't do it, and I won't. I'm too tired. I know you can't be tired and angry at the same time, so maybe I'm just tired now. But I am not and never was hysterical, and I will hit anyone who disagrees.
In other news, I live in Utah now. It's actually quite nice here.
