now what?

My online writing course ends tonight at midnight, and I'm sorry to say, I'm glad to be done with it. The reason I wanted to take the class was to help me prepare for applying to grad school, revising stories and writing new ones, meeting deadlines that I actually care about, etc. But in the course of the class I basically decided I don't think I'm cut out for an MFA program, and getting a Master's or a PhD (gasp) in School Psych seems much more reasonable, not to mention career-oriented and all that shit. We had to write a post along the lines of "what I learned from thsi class", and I basically said that I learned that I don't want to apply to MFA programs for 2010. Writers are supposed to write, and I mostly don't, even when I have deadlines. Of course, I did write in college, but college was different and my life wasn't as cluttered and confusing back then -- plus I just didn't want to look stupid in front of my professors and classmates. Is that a good reason to write? I'm thinking it isn't.

In response to my post about the fact that I'm not going to try for an MFA, the professor for the online class said that when you're in an MFA program, part of the great thing about that is that you have the time to write, and she hopes I'll reconsider. She did not say anything I didn't already know -- The fact that being in an MFA programs gives you an excuse to be focused on your writing to a degree that would lead to joblessness, homelessness, and insanity in another setting was always part of the appeal to me. So she didn't say anything I didn't know, and I really have been thinking about this, and I really think I could be happy as a school psychologist (okay, not "happy" maybe, but happier).... I have thought about this! I could still get an MFA later, once I've constructed some kind of functional sort of life for myself. I was convinced! Until this woman I've never met said she hopes I'll reconsider.

This is the problem with me* (*note: not the only problem). I put too much stock into what other people think or say to me. I always have. I do the things I do because I've gotten positive feedback from people for doing them. I try to avoid doing things that might lead to negative feedback. This is maybe not abnormal, but I may have taken it somewhere sort of pathological. I intended to stop writing after SCPA told me in 9th grade that my writing submission sucked. I only started writing again because I got placed in a journalism class in 10th grade and somewhat made the mistake of telling me my writing was good. You can't tell me I am good at things! it prevents me from thinking clearly! And if you tell me I'm bad at something.... well, that's dangerous too because I can't deal with that shit at all.

So, now I don't know. I think I could probably apply for a few writing programs, a few school psych programs, and maybe a couple of teaching programs as a back-up, and then just see where I get accepted. It sounds exhausting, but it prevents me from having to make a decision, which I suck at. I want to get on with all of this stuff, but I still have a job. And an apartment that costs too much and is full of stuff. Need to get rid of the stuff. Need to get rid of the job. Need to get to it.

Nothing new

Whenever I'm in Ohio, I find myself wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. My mother seems to really be enjoying her job at the elementary school in Cheviot. Or, not always enjoying it, but she feels like she's making a difference in the lives of some kids who are dealing with some pretty crappy odds at the moment. I am a horrible pessimist, and I do think our society is pretty much doomed, and I don't really believe in procreation because I don't think there's any way we can leave our children with a planet that isn't completely fucked and uninhabitable... but of course other people are still having kids. And I may be wrong about things.

I don't know what the hell I should be doing. I know what I am currently doing feels completely pointless, for sure, and doing anything else seems really hard. Grad school in Creative Writing is still the thing I say I will do, but I'm wondering if becoming a school psychologist or a teacher or a social worker would be more rewarding. Or, um, more possible. Ten years ago I said I wanted to be a social worker on an Indian reservation. It was kind of a ridiculous thing to say, except... umm... you know, I meant it. That is what I wanted to do. I'm sure social work is depressing, but so is doing something you don't care about at all. God, I'm sick of thinking about what I should be doing and everything that's preventing me from doing it. I want to quit my job, but I feel like I don't have a right to until I actually have the nervous breakdown I've been threatening was imminent for all these years. This is really frustrating. I am very annoyed with myself right now.

restlessness

Feels like grad school is on the back-burner at the moment. Work has gotten out of control again, and I am having a hard time doing anything other than sleeping. Which is not to say that I am depressed. I am not depressed. I am relatively happy, but I require sleep. Lots of sleep. And my job requires me to be awake. So you see my dilemma. And the online writing course I'm taking is almost entirely a bust. Book club is fun though. Maybe my career goal should be to do something that's like Book Club instead of teaching writing classes. What job is like Book Club though?

My dog and I are restless. She is turning around in circles on my bed and chewing on my comforter. I am endlessly daydreaming about quitting my job and checking my gmail 83 times a day. I hate to see us like this.