Nothing new

Whenever I'm in Ohio, I find myself wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. My mother seems to really be enjoying her job at the elementary school in Cheviot. Or, not always enjoying it, but she feels like she's making a difference in the lives of some kids who are dealing with some pretty crappy odds at the moment. I am a horrible pessimist, and I do think our society is pretty much doomed, and I don't really believe in procreation because I don't think there's any way we can leave our children with a planet that isn't completely fucked and uninhabitable... but of course other people are still having kids. And I may be wrong about things.

I don't know what the hell I should be doing. I know what I am currently doing feels completely pointless, for sure, and doing anything else seems really hard. Grad school in Creative Writing is still the thing I say I will do, but I'm wondering if becoming a school psychologist or a teacher or a social worker would be more rewarding. Or, um, more possible. Ten years ago I said I wanted to be a social worker on an Indian reservation. It was kind of a ridiculous thing to say, except... umm... you know, I meant it. That is what I wanted to do. I'm sure social work is depressing, but so is doing something you don't care about at all. God, I'm sick of thinking about what I should be doing and everything that's preventing me from doing it. I want to quit my job, but I feel like I don't have a right to until I actually have the nervous breakdown I've been threatening was imminent for all these years. This is really frustrating. I am very annoyed with myself right now.