Good luck with that

It's easy enough to decide that you don't want to continue doing what you're doing, but it's another thing entirely to try to figure out what you're supposed to be doing instead. I'm about 75% sure that I don't want to stay in San Francisco, but then again I've only ever lived in the Mission and maybe there are other neighborhoods that would suit me better? Oakland even seems preferrable right now -- I need to be paying less rent, obviously, but I'd also like less craziness, I think. I don't need to be surrounded by bars and awesome people. Sometimes I want something a little quieter.

California is a big state, so if I wanted to stay here, I suppose I could find a slightly calmer spot. I always have a good time in Monterey, and I like the fact that people have sand instead of grass for their yards there. Grass is kind of dumb anyway. But I would need a car if I moved out of the city, I think. Or if I move back to Ohio, or if I move to a swamp in the South. So I probably need a car.

Reasons not to leave SF include the handful of friends I have here, and my bookclub. Oh, and Thinking Beard Press, if that gets off the ground. But I could teleconference in for the board meetings. Grumbles. I really don't know. I can't make a fucking plan to save my life. This is what killed Hamlet, right? I'm turning 28 on Friday. I was going to take the day off and ponder my existence, but I think that might actually be a horrible idea. I'll just read a book or something.

Ugghs

Boo to this weekend. I told myself I'd get caught up on work, at least on telephone monitoring reports, but I did considerably less than I should have done, and I still feel fairly crappy about life. Here is what you need to know about telephone monitoring reports: Technically they need to be done, but no one will ever, ever read them. So I should just write some shit down, print and sign, repeat 250 times, and be done with it. But for some stupid reason I can't. I'm not saying I'm putting a lot of work into them, but I am putting some. Which means I finished 56 reports this weekend instead of 100. Which, actually, for me isn't all that bad. But I feel just as buried as I did last week, if not more so. And I don't know what I'm doing. I think my plan to move back to Ohio might just be running away, but if I was running away when I moved out here in the first place, does that mean the smart thing to do is to run back? Is there a smart thing to do? If I were smart, clearly I would know.

Paul wants to start a publishing company, and I am all about that idea. I don't even care if it's a bad idea, since technically it is not my idea and therefore I can throw myself behind it wholeheartedly without those little nagging voices telling me that all of my ideas are doomed to failure. I realized today that I still can't really drive a car like a normal person. Possibly I am just out of practice since I drive very rarely, but I was trying to drive to Ocean Beach and I suddenly became aware that I had made some wrong turns and it seemed like the best thing to do would be to pull over, leave the car, and throw myself under a bus. I didn't, mostly because it wasn't my car and because I have gotten explicit instructions from my mother that I am NOT to kill myself in a fit of crazy. But it did bother me. I was always a nervous driver, but the "I am too dysfunctional to operate a motor vehicle, therefore I should kill myself" thing didn't really start until after college. I thought the SSRIs had mostly beaten it into submission, but apparently it's still there. I'm being stupid. I'm sure that I won't actually kill myself; I'm barely even depressed, but for some reason my brain always snaps to that, like, "Well, this isn't working -- what are my other options again? I can't think of any. Let's end it!" What am I, 14?

In other, other news -- this sociopathic drug addict I used to date seems to have gotten married. So there's someone out there for everyone. Actually, he claimed not to be a sociopath, but, as I pointed out, that's exactly what a sociopath would say. Of course the fact that someone who doesn't seem like a trainwreck married him makes me wonder if he suddenly stopped being awful shortly after we broke up. That would be my luck. Anyway, this fucks with my whole idea of relationship karma because I would have thought he'd be single for at least 17 years after the shit he put me through. But he's not. So, I'm going to start emotionally abusing people and see if I might be able to get hitched by 2010. Oh, who am I kidding?

Damnit, I need to start writing a book. Somebody give me something to work with, will you?

Yes, I Can

In a bit of a fog after a night of heavy drinking. Apparently I ended up posting a missed connection on craigslist trying to apologize to a guy that I attemped to talk to but ended up just making an ass of myself. So I decided to make an ass of myself again by writing a weird an rambling apology on craigslist. I deleted it this morning, so hopefully only other drunks read it last night.

On the upside, Megan and I went dancing, which I haven't done in ages. That's the real reason I was drunk, not the wedding. I drank at the wedding, but I like to think that I kept it reasonable. But I had to get really drunk in order to dance. Dancing is just one of the many things I sort of enjoy doing (or would enjoy doing if I could do it with some competency), that I usually avoid for fear of looking stupid. The problem with this kind of attitude is that I am almost 30 years old and I don't really know how to do much of anything because I've been too frustrated with my initial fumbling attempts. I'm not happy about this, and I think it has made me rather a dull person, so I'm going to try to put a stop to it. I'm going to try to learn to do things. If practice doesn't make perfect, then I will practice until I can at least say I gave it my best. And then I can quit and never speak of it again, I guess, but maybe I'll feel like less of a coward at least.

So here's a preliminary list of things I can't do that I might, potentially, like to be able to do:
1. Ride a Bike -- I know, I know -- I actually used to be able to do this, but forgot when I was about 11. It's very embarassing to try to re-learn as an adult, which explains why I've only tried about twice for five minutes apiece
2. Salsa Dance --When Megan and I went out dancing last night, a salsa song came on and my dance partner said to me, "So, you don't like dance?" Suggesting I guess that anyone who liked to dance would be better at it.
3. Roller Skate -- This would have been a useful skill to have when I was in grade school and kept being invited to roller skating parties. I always went and I always fell on my ass four or five times, and then spent the rest of the evening clinging to the wall. This will not come naturally to me, I know that. And it's not a skill I could show off often, but I'm okay with that.
4. Bake Bread -- I know I'm gluten-intolerant, but bread is still the one food I most want to make
5. Knit -- Again, I've tried this a few times and found it very frustrating. But everyone loves scarves, and all hippies must knit so this is non-negotiable.
6. Use a Sewing Machine -- Same as above. Also, I want to make my own clothes because I hate clothing stores and don't want to spend any time in them ever again.
7. Do a Cartwheel
8. Juggle -- Ever since meeting a bunch of clowns, this totally makes sense to me. I'd want to ride a unicycle too, but I need to get two wheels down first.
9. Play Piano -- just a little would be fine
10. Play Guitar --for sing-a-long purposes
11. Sight-read Music
12. Play Tennis -- just well enough to not annoy players on neighboring courts
13. Speak Another Language at least marginally well
14. Talk about Art without feeling dumb
15. Climb a Tree

I don't have a plan yet for accomplishing any of these things yet, but I thought a list would help. I was considering picking one item per week and working it for the length of that week, but obviously many of these things could take more than a week to conquer. Also none of them seem like the thing that I want to start with. It's too hot right now to think about knitting or baking. I will have access to a guitar this next week though, so I guess I will start with that one. #10. I'm also open to further suggestions in case there's anything anyone else might feel I lack as a human being.... obviously constructive criticisms are fine, but let's keep things friendly, shall we?

We Can Work It Out

Wendy and Adrian are getting married tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, but I know I will cry at the ceremony, because I always cry at weddings, and I am always a little unsure whether it's all because I am moved by the public expression of love and trust, or whether some part of me is crying because I expect to die alone. That is a weird thing to say. If I'm dead, why would I care if I'm alone? It's living alone that would be the problem.

I don't see myself getting married, but I do have a lot of thoughts about music. Like, I'd have kareoke at my reception, no question. I'd have it at the ceremony, maybe. Lately I've been wanting to sing "Nobody Does It Better" by Carly Simon from "The Spy Who Loved Me". I know not everyone likes Carly Simon, and it may limit my options in terms of a groom, but I really think it's a lovely song. I don't think Wendy and Adrian have a song, but I've offered some stupid suggestions, as I tend to do in most situations.

It is strange how events like this make me feel a bit like I am in suspended animation. I see things happening in other people's lives, important and wonderful things, and I look at my life and it doesn't seem like anything ever really happens except for small and random things. I suppose that's not true, but it feels that way. And I feel like i can't make any changes until I somehow have the time set aside to make them. Like, nothing can happen when I'm working, because work eats every hour. But not much can happen on the weekends either because there are social engagements (sometimes), and I feel I need to catch up on sleep. I really do hope that things are different this summer. I'm not sure how I will avoid feeling like a worthless bum when i quit my job, but I have to believe it's possible. More New Age positive affirmations and what-not in the morning. Need to walk my dog and sleep off this champagne.

Strange Magic

I guess I was a lonely kid because I used to talk to myself a lot, tell myself stories, interview myself. I still would, but I'm a little more self-conscious these days. That's something I'm going to work on, I think, but it may be a while before I talk to myself in public. In the meantime, I'm going to chat myself up in text format for a bit. For clarity's sake, let's say I am a chimera made up for a Good Twin (Stacy) and an Evil Twin (Tracy). Chimeras are more interesting than multiple personalities, which are fake.

Stacy: So, we haven't heard much from you lately. What have you been up to?
Tracy: Listening to ELO.
S: Electric Light Orchestra?
T: Yes.
S (Clearly not really interested): That's interesting.
T: Whatever. Indie music has never done anything for me except make my cry in public and mistakenly believe that my neuroses are socially acceptable.
S: Oh, wah, hipsters don't like you because you can't wear tapered jeans and never had a radio show. Boo hoos.
T: Hey, you're supposed to be the Good Twin.
S: If I was being the Bad Twin, I'd punch you. So apart from ELO?
T: I got dumped a while ago for not being fun enough.
S: That's awesome. I bet you really enjoy telling that story.
T: It's true. I do.
S: Do you think people get uncomfortable when you make fun of yourself?
T: I hope not. It's a defense mechanism. If I got rid of it, I might need to buy a gun. Or social skills.
S: Ba-dum-ching. Have you thought about being more fun?
T: Yeah, I've thought about it. I think I have to quit my job before I can be fun.
S: That's your answer for everything.
T: Well, it hasn't been disproved yet.
S: So you're going to quit your job.
T: Yep yep.
S: Okay. Let me know how that goes. And please do work on becoming more fun.
T: Right-o. Will do.