We Can Work It Out

Wendy and Adrian are getting married tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, but I know I will cry at the ceremony, because I always cry at weddings, and I am always a little unsure whether it's all because I am moved by the public expression of love and trust, or whether some part of me is crying because I expect to die alone. That is a weird thing to say. If I'm dead, why would I care if I'm alone? It's living alone that would be the problem.

I don't see myself getting married, but I do have a lot of thoughts about music. Like, I'd have kareoke at my reception, no question. I'd have it at the ceremony, maybe. Lately I've been wanting to sing "Nobody Does It Better" by Carly Simon from "The Spy Who Loved Me". I know not everyone likes Carly Simon, and it may limit my options in terms of a groom, but I really think it's a lovely song. I don't think Wendy and Adrian have a song, but I've offered some stupid suggestions, as I tend to do in most situations.

It is strange how events like this make me feel a bit like I am in suspended animation. I see things happening in other people's lives, important and wonderful things, and I look at my life and it doesn't seem like anything ever really happens except for small and random things. I suppose that's not true, but it feels that way. And I feel like i can't make any changes until I somehow have the time set aside to make them. Like, nothing can happen when I'm working, because work eats every hour. But not much can happen on the weekends either because there are social engagements (sometimes), and I feel I need to catch up on sleep. I really do hope that things are different this summer. I'm not sure how I will avoid feeling like a worthless bum when i quit my job, but I have to believe it's possible. More New Age positive affirmations and what-not in the morning. Need to walk my dog and sleep off this champagne.