Sunday, November 22, 2009
No, not nice
My personality seems to be changing. I am not particularly nice anymore, in fact I'm kind of angry and confrontational. I feel a bit out of control, but at least I'm not so sleepy anymore. Probably better to spend one's life awake, even if that means one will be spending a lot of time screaming at people.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
unplugged
So, I'm traveling again. Hotels, motels, Holiday Inns. Mostly Holiday Inns. I've noticed this before, but it never ceases to surprise me: I'm happier when I'm on the road. Or not happier, maybe, but less miserable. There are clear tasks to accomplish, and I can accomplish them. Not like in normal life, when I can't figure out what the tasks even are. Get married, buy a house, have kids? That either sounds ridiculous or impossible. This, I guess, is why I haven't done anything of significance to me in the past 6 years. I get distracted by work. I mean, I guess that's what you're supposed to do -- work hard, make money, spend the money, die of cancer. It's not that I really think there's more to life than that. It's just damned depressing is all.
Sang arias at a bar last night. It was sort of nice. Oh, hell, it was really nice -- the nicest thing that's happened to me in quite a while. Yes, I am an approval addict, and yes I would have wanted to die if I had sounded bad or been met with blank stares or awkward throat clearing. But everyone was nice. I did not make eye contact with anyone as that is not my style, but I'll assume no one made a face. It is frustrating to have praise heaped upon you by someone who does not actually want to be with you, but common sense tells me I would be equally terrified of me if I were in his position. I do not know what to do. I never know what to do, and I feel no closer to figuring it out.
It's only been three months, and I'm itching to move again, though there's nowhere in particular I want to go. And I like everyone in SLC. I suppose that means that I am the one I don't like, which is too bad because I really thought I was becoming a better friend to myself. I must have been wrong. 6 months of winter, and I'm trying to get off my pills. Seems like maybe I need to be more unhappy in order to see what I need to do. But maybe it's just my brain. Maybe my brain is just wrong. Science is rather useless to me at the moment. You can't prove a damn thing.
Sang arias at a bar last night. It was sort of nice. Oh, hell, it was really nice -- the nicest thing that's happened to me in quite a while. Yes, I am an approval addict, and yes I would have wanted to die if I had sounded bad or been met with blank stares or awkward throat clearing. But everyone was nice. I did not make eye contact with anyone as that is not my style, but I'll assume no one made a face. It is frustrating to have praise heaped upon you by someone who does not actually want to be with you, but common sense tells me I would be equally terrified of me if I were in his position. I do not know what to do. I never know what to do, and I feel no closer to figuring it out.
It's only been three months, and I'm itching to move again, though there's nowhere in particular I want to go. And I like everyone in SLC. I suppose that means that I am the one I don't like, which is too bad because I really thought I was becoming a better friend to myself. I must have been wrong. 6 months of winter, and I'm trying to get off my pills. Seems like maybe I need to be more unhappy in order to see what I need to do. But maybe it's just my brain. Maybe my brain is just wrong. Science is rather useless to me at the moment. You can't prove a damn thing.
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