All the good names were taken

In fact, even "All the Good Names Were Taken" was taken.

Since I do not expect my blog to be much more than a list of the stupid things I'm spending my time doing in an effort to stop hating life, I considered "How Was Your Day?", but that is the name of a blog belonging to someone who used to be on the Real World. There's also already a learnedhelplessness.blogspot.com, which is some sort of religious page, and anyway I give up. Locus of control is another idea I liked from psychology -- You could wiki it to make sure I'm getting this right, but basically people with an internal locus of control are happier than people with an external LoC because people with an internal LoC believe they can control things in their lives and their surroundings; they feel powerful whereas people with an external LoC feel like they are victims of fate, have no real control over their lives or the bad things that they see happening in the world. Or, you know, they're realistic. I think it's pretty obvious where I fall on that spectrum, but, you know, I'm told people can change. People are very excited about the future right now! I could be excited about the future too! I could be happy!

I know unemployment is at some kind of crazy high (7.8%? I should know these things). But I do want to quit my job. Even if it's just for a little while, and then I'd get another one. I want some time to think, but I need to know that I will not sit on the couch and watch VH1 and eat baguettes and brie all the livelong day if I'm unemployed, that I will find some way to be a productive member of society, write a mediocre novel, and find the happiness that has eluded me thus far. Also, I'd like some kind of guarantee that I would get into grad school in the Fall of 2010, but I am told there are no guarantees in life. I think my mother said that. But my mother also said I could move to the mountains and smoke weed if it would make me happy. I know putting this in writing does not prove that she said it, but she did. She said it, and I will remind her that she said it, and she will probably deny it, but that doesn't make it any less true. Unfortunately, I don't like weed, so I don't think it would make me happy. But I don't want to rule anything out right now. Mountains are kind of cool.

So, I'd like to try some new things, make some decisions, and I'd like to have some sort of record of the process, and something to keep me accountable. If I do spend an evening watching "Double Shot at Love" while drinking wine and eating brie and baguette (not gluten-free, tsk, tsk), I'd like to be able to tell myself that I am a lazy idiot who doesn't deserve to be happy. Or, you know, something less harsh but equally motivating. I'd like to have a plan by June, as my living situation will be changing in August, and I will have to decide whether there is some better place for me to be. Like a swamp in Alabama, or a trailer in Arizona.

When I told him I was moving from Cincinnati to San Francisco, Ironshins quoted me that line about, "Wherever you go, there you are." Of course I am the problem, but that doesn't mean that Cincinnati wasn't the problem too. San Francisco can't really be the problem -- everyone f*ing loves it here and you can sunbathe in January. But eventually I will be too old to do stupid things like moving across the country for no good reason. So that's one reason to try someplace new.