now what?

My online writing course ends tonight at midnight, and I'm sorry to say, I'm glad to be done with it. The reason I wanted to take the class was to help me prepare for applying to grad school, revising stories and writing new ones, meeting deadlines that I actually care about, etc. But in the course of the class I basically decided I don't think I'm cut out for an MFA program, and getting a Master's or a PhD (gasp) in School Psych seems much more reasonable, not to mention career-oriented and all that shit. We had to write a post along the lines of "what I learned from thsi class", and I basically said that I learned that I don't want to apply to MFA programs for 2010. Writers are supposed to write, and I mostly don't, even when I have deadlines. Of course, I did write in college, but college was different and my life wasn't as cluttered and confusing back then -- plus I just didn't want to look stupid in front of my professors and classmates. Is that a good reason to write? I'm thinking it isn't.

In response to my post about the fact that I'm not going to try for an MFA, the professor for the online class said that when you're in an MFA program, part of the great thing about that is that you have the time to write, and she hopes I'll reconsider. She did not say anything I didn't already know -- The fact that being in an MFA programs gives you an excuse to be focused on your writing to a degree that would lead to joblessness, homelessness, and insanity in another setting was always part of the appeal to me. So she didn't say anything I didn't know, and I really have been thinking about this, and I really think I could be happy as a school psychologist (okay, not "happy" maybe, but happier).... I have thought about this! I could still get an MFA later, once I've constructed some kind of functional sort of life for myself. I was convinced! Until this woman I've never met said she hopes I'll reconsider.

This is the problem with me* (*note: not the only problem). I put too much stock into what other people think or say to me. I always have. I do the things I do because I've gotten positive feedback from people for doing them. I try to avoid doing things that might lead to negative feedback. This is maybe not abnormal, but I may have taken it somewhere sort of pathological. I intended to stop writing after SCPA told me in 9th grade that my writing submission sucked. I only started writing again because I got placed in a journalism class in 10th grade and somewhat made the mistake of telling me my writing was good. You can't tell me I am good at things! it prevents me from thinking clearly! And if you tell me I'm bad at something.... well, that's dangerous too because I can't deal with that shit at all.

So, now I don't know. I think I could probably apply for a few writing programs, a few school psych programs, and maybe a couple of teaching programs as a back-up, and then just see where I get accepted. It sounds exhausting, but it prevents me from having to make a decision, which I suck at. I want to get on with all of this stuff, but I still have a job. And an apartment that costs too much and is full of stuff. Need to get rid of the stuff. Need to get rid of the job. Need to get to it.

restlessness

Feels like grad school is on the back-burner at the moment. Work has gotten out of control again, and I am having a hard time doing anything other than sleeping. Which is not to say that I am depressed. I am not depressed. I am relatively happy, but I require sleep. Lots of sleep. And my job requires me to be awake. So you see my dilemma. And the online writing course I'm taking is almost entirely a bust. Book club is fun though. Maybe my career goal should be to do something that's like Book Club instead of teaching writing classes. What job is like Book Club though?

My dog and I are restless. She is turning around in circles on my bed and chewing on my comforter. I am endlessly daydreaming about quitting my job and checking my gmail 83 times a day. I hate to see us like this.

bummer, dude

My head has been hurting again. I guess I was sort of hoping I was cured, but no such luck. The weather was nice today and I thought about going to the park, but I just did laundry and slept instead. I guess I was just really hopeful about seeing those weird doctors and taking all these supplements and cutting gluten out of diet and all that. I was just hoping there was some medical reason why my brain never does what I want it to. I guess I'm lucky to be alive now and not like 50 years ago, when my only option would have been electroconvulsive therapy. I've heard it's really not as bad as it sounds though.

Have to workshop a story for my online class in two weeks. I'm planning to revise as old story for the first workshop, but I hope to have something new for the second one. I'm still having trouble writing. I have to get over it though, or else this plan is not going to work. Moving back to Ohio and then not going to grad school would be like double failure. But I am looking forward to being able to go to my 10 year high school reunion and say that I'm unemployed.

bad student, bad worker

So my online writing class isn't going badly, per say. But it's not going as I had planned either. I'm enjoying reading the posts from the other students, and the exercises are getting me to think about my stories in slightly different ways, which is a very good thing when your brain has been digging away at the same pointless ditch for five years. So it's all good, but it's just making me sad. I can't do work without feeling like I'm neglecting my writing, and I can't write without feeling like I'm neglecting my work. And I am ALWAYS neglecting my dog, who just sleeps on my bed and looks up expectantly at me whenever I go to get a drink of water. I have no social life, but if I did, I'd be neglecting that as well. Seriously, what am I doing wrong? Other people have a better handle on this, right?

I got a book from the library called Simplify Your Work Life. It's almost square in shape, which does not bode well for it's content, in my experience. Useful books should be rectangular, and have very dull cover art. Paperback is best, because if it's really wise, you'll want to carry it with you, right? So this book is going to suck, but I'll read it anyway, just in case.

Fat Azz and the Fatty Azzes

I don't know why, but I think Gabe and I used to talk about a pretend band called Fat Azz and the Fatty Azzes. I might be spelling that wrong. I don't want to be in that band, and by that I mean, I don't want to buy new clothes. There must be some way for me to acquire the kind of depression that makes you not eat instead of the kind of depression that makes you eat. I'm going to look into that while continuing my very sad Wii fitness regimen.

There are not enough hours in the day. When I finally get into a groove where I'm starting to write, or even have coherent thoughts about what I should be writing, I always get derailed by the piles of work and dishes and crap around me. It's constant fucking maintenance, this damn life. I was supposed to have dinner and see a movie with a friendly guy I barely know tonight, but I canceled to stay in and work on my stuff for my online class. And that's fine. I'm having a hard time relating to people right now anyway, and this guy is far too happy and well adjusted and self-actualized and whatever the hell else for me to try to have a normal conversation with him, so it's good that I stayed home. But I should leave the house eventually, is the thing. I should try to interact with people at some point. I can say this is just temporary, but really, how long is it going to last?

Also, I need to kill the television. I keep getting sucked in by these Logo or Lifetime movies that Joshua is watching. Logically I know there is no reason to watch them; they're barely even entertaining. I do sometimes think TV is more addictive than alcohol and most drugs. You could say it's less damaging, but I'd like to see a controlled study to prove it.