Oh my. I actually worked a full day today, no goofing off and no Facebook or other distractions. Being onsite is good for that. I do, apparently, still have a little bit of a work ethic, but only for work I don't actually think is particularly important. I guess someone has to do it. I guess.
Joshua has informed me that my Russian lessons will be starting in earnest tomorrow. I honestly can't remember the alphabet. Italian isn't going much better -- I know a handful of words (colors, body parts, and articles of clothing, mostly -- nothing useful). What I actually might need to say in Italian would be "Does this have gluten?" and "Why are you laughing at me?" Of course I'll be happy just to drink wine and read some books. I can eat some tomatoes or something.
I'm still waffling about my plans for travels to Ukraine or wherever else. I suppose I have a few months to figure out what I'm doing, but as I have never actually made my own plans before, it seems a daunting task. The only person who seems willing to make plans for me this time around is my mother, and obviously she is disqualified. Am off to the weird doctor again tomorrow. Perhaps he'll have a new theory, or some new advice that I can ignore. We take what we can get.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sleep Deprivation Study - 9:40 AM
I didn't make it. Around 5:30AM, I started feeling sick and began to question the wisdom of staying up all night without sleep. I thought I'd take a half an hour nap and then get back to work, but things did not work out as planned. So I'll have to try again sometime, perhaps some time when I am not trying to make progress on work. I think it's probably not that hard to stay up all night reading or watching movies, but trying to work was difficult and I'm not certain my work didn't suffer because of my sleepiness. My brain feels a little foggy now, in fact, but I have to stay up to finish these reports. Bleah.
Sleep Deprivation Study - 4:12 AM
So far so good, but my back is starting to hurt a bit, and Georgia is in my bed sort of taunting me, I think. Or maybe she's just sleeping, but it kind of looks like she's taunting me. Mood is pretty good though, and I'm still being somewhat productive. I was hoping to stay up until 10PM or so today, but that sounds kind of awful.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sleep Deprivation Study - 10:41 PM
Not officially my bedtime yet, and I'm already tired. This does not bode well. Working always makes me tired though. Just finished a report (yay!). Should probably finish three more by tomorrow, based on what I told my managers, but I'd be happy with two, I think.
Did some flight research for my possible travels in late summer and fall. I guess I'd like to keep the cost under what I'd be paying in rent here, particularly since I will have no income at the time. Oh God, what if I chicken out and just end up in Cincinnati the whole time??? I have to at least go to Ukraine to visit Katia. I insist upon that.
Georgia is eating non-food items again. I found a half-eaten emory board on my bed. There's no way that tastes good. I'll keep looking for tapeworms. It does concern me a bit.
If you stay up all night, are you allowed to eat an extra meal? I hope so, because I'm hungry. I should go to Taco Bell for 4th meal. Except I can't eat flour tortillas. Grumbles.
Did some flight research for my possible travels in late summer and fall. I guess I'd like to keep the cost under what I'd be paying in rent here, particularly since I will have no income at the time. Oh God, what if I chicken out and just end up in Cincinnati the whole time??? I have to at least go to Ukraine to visit Katia. I insist upon that.
Georgia is eating non-food items again. I found a half-eaten emory board on my bed. There's no way that tastes good. I'll keep looking for tapeworms. It does concern me a bit.
If you stay up all night, are you allowed to eat an extra meal? I hope so, because I'm hungry. I should go to Taco Bell for 4th meal. Except I can't eat flour tortillas. Grumbles.
Sleep Deprivation Study
So, I'm actually feeling a little better right now. I've been talking to people about various stupid plans for my future, and some of them are starting to sound less stupid. Alabama and Mississippi are probably off the table, but foreign travel is sounding more feasible, assuming I can save enough money for such an indulgence. Of course it's the weekend, and it's arguably a bit easier to feel optimistic about the future when one is ignoring one's work-related responsibilities. But this is a start, yes?
All that being said, I've been reading up on the use of sleep deprivation in the treatment of depression -- Basically, I think it works for about 60% of depressed individuals, but the effects don't usually last. Although they might last longer when used in combination with medication. I wasn't able to get my hands on a full published study (oh, how I miss you Mudd Library), and this isn't going to be scientific anyway, but I think I'm going to give it a shot. I spend too much time in bed, and I never feel rested anyway, so I'm going to try do without for a night. Or most of a night. I guess we'll see. I have coffee and B-12 and way too much work to do, so I can pretend it's an all-nighter. Although I don't think I've pulled an all-nighter since high school. How odd that I used to stay up all night when it mattered so little. Hopefully I won't go crazy and submit a bunch of nonsensical reports to my bosses in the morning (although that might lead to my termination, which would be a means to the end). Wish me luck, non-existent audience! (and then you say, "Good luck, crazy lady!")
All that being said, I've been reading up on the use of sleep deprivation in the treatment of depression -- Basically, I think it works for about 60% of depressed individuals, but the effects don't usually last. Although they might last longer when used in combination with medication. I wasn't able to get my hands on a full published study (oh, how I miss you Mudd Library), and this isn't going to be scientific anyway, but I think I'm going to give it a shot. I spend too much time in bed, and I never feel rested anyway, so I'm going to try do without for a night. Or most of a night. I guess we'll see. I have coffee and B-12 and way too much work to do, so I can pretend it's an all-nighter. Although I don't think I've pulled an all-nighter since high school. How odd that I used to stay up all night when it mattered so little. Hopefully I won't go crazy and submit a bunch of nonsensical reports to my bosses in the morning (although that might lead to my termination, which would be a means to the end). Wish me luck, non-existent audience! (and then you say, "Good luck, crazy lady!")
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
We prefer the term "opportunities" instead of "weaknesses"
Things that are wrong with me that can (and should) be fixed:
-I can't ride a bike
-I can't cook, or am unwilling to learn
-I know nothing about the state of world politics
-I can only locate a handful of foreign countries on a map
-I can't speak Spanish
-I sometimes forget when to use "lay" and when to use "lie"
-I get winded easily when climbing stairs
-I can't do a handstand
-Or a cartwheel
-Sometimes when I am talking, I have a sudden thought that everyone in the room hates me and thinks I'm an idiot
-When I am around people who are great, instead of thinking, "Wow, these people are great!", I think, "Wow! These people are so much better than I am!"
On another note, I just realized I've had sand in my bra for the past 6 hours or so since being at a playground with Georgia where much dirt and debris was kicked about by excited dogs. I guess having sand in your bra is sort of a good thing. Better than rocks, anyway.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Gluten, You Bastard
It's a damn disgrace to be a Sad Sack when such joyous things are happening in our nation. Maybe it's a triscuits hangover, maybe it's a thirdlife crisis, but I feel like crap today. I really have nothing to say, except that I am giving up on one of the many books on gluten-free living that I borrowed from the library, Gluten-Free Girl: How I Found the Food That Loves Me Back... & How You Can Too (!) by Shauna James Ahern.
Obviously, I was feeling optimistic on the day I picked up the aforementioned book, and it had a sort of nice, warm, yellowy cover that made me feel better about the thought of never eating pizza, pasta, or normal crackers again (except for The Battle of the Triscuits vs. My Intestines yesterday, and we all know how that turned out). Unfortunately the author makes a point of stating at least once (or umpteen times) per chapter that she NEVER FEELS DEPRIVED, and EATS EVEN BETTER NOW THAT SHE HAS FOUND THE JOYS OF GLUTEN-FREE COOKING. And I'm just putting it in CAPS because that's kind of how it sounds in my head when I'm reading it. The author likes to cook and likes to shop and likes to read the ingredients on every product she buys, and to call the product hotlines to double-check, and to discuss the intricacies of her diet with waiters and chefs. And that's GREAT, but I hate cooking, and I think I will probably very soon start hating food entirely if I have to put the amount of thought and energy into every meal that the author seems to think is necessary. And I never got used to having to explain my vegetarianism to people, so now I have to be even more of a pain in the ass to eat with. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up sitting alone in a room with a bowl of broth, crying.
That being said, the author has Celiac Disease, whereas I guess I am only gluten intolerant, according to the results of my gene test. I will not pretend to understand the difference and will promptly stop acting like I know anything about it once I say: I think I have it not quite as bad as the celiacs. The Gluten-Free Girl says she has never been tempted to eat gluten since finding out that she has celiac disease, and says that to being tempted to eat gluten would be like feeling tempted to drink Drano. Exactly. Except pizza is delicious, and Drano, probably, not as much, and if the movie Heathers is to be believed, drain cleaner is actually deadly, whereas gluten, even in sensitive folks, I think usually just makes the person feel awful for a few days and have some weird poops. This woman is too good. I can't relate.
The prospect of feeling awful should be more of a deterrent though, I guess, and it may be worth asking why exactly I ate half a loaf of baguette on Sunday and half a box of Trisuits on Monday (the truth will set me free!!). Possibly I like feeling awful, or I assume I will feel awful anyway, and gluten is a handy explanation that can prevent me from looking any further for a root cause. Or I love bread, and am uncertain that life without bread is worth living.
If there's a 12-step for bread, I should probably join. Going forward, I will refer to gluten as "smack". I miss smack, but damn it makes me sick.
P.S. I'm not doing a Summary today. No one's reading this anyway, so I only have myself to disappoint. You lazy bitch.
Obviously, I was feeling optimistic on the day I picked up the aforementioned book, and it had a sort of nice, warm, yellowy cover that made me feel better about the thought of never eating pizza, pasta, or normal crackers again (except for The Battle of the Triscuits vs. My Intestines yesterday, and we all know how that turned out). Unfortunately the author makes a point of stating at least once (or umpteen times) per chapter that she NEVER FEELS DEPRIVED, and EATS EVEN BETTER NOW THAT SHE HAS FOUND THE JOYS OF GLUTEN-FREE COOKING. And I'm just putting it in CAPS because that's kind of how it sounds in my head when I'm reading it. The author likes to cook and likes to shop and likes to read the ingredients on every product she buys, and to call the product hotlines to double-check, and to discuss the intricacies of her diet with waiters and chefs. And that's GREAT, but I hate cooking, and I think I will probably very soon start hating food entirely if I have to put the amount of thought and energy into every meal that the author seems to think is necessary. And I never got used to having to explain my vegetarianism to people, so now I have to be even more of a pain in the ass to eat with. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up sitting alone in a room with a bowl of broth, crying.
That being said, the author has Celiac Disease, whereas I guess I am only gluten intolerant, according to the results of my gene test. I will not pretend to understand the difference and will promptly stop acting like I know anything about it once I say: I think I have it not quite as bad as the celiacs. The Gluten-Free Girl says she has never been tempted to eat gluten since finding out that she has celiac disease, and says that to being tempted to eat gluten would be like feeling tempted to drink Drano. Exactly. Except pizza is delicious, and Drano, probably, not as much, and if the movie Heathers is to be believed, drain cleaner is actually deadly, whereas gluten, even in sensitive folks, I think usually just makes the person feel awful for a few days and have some weird poops. This woman is too good. I can't relate.
The prospect of feeling awful should be more of a deterrent though, I guess, and it may be worth asking why exactly I ate half a loaf of baguette on Sunday and half a box of Trisuits on Monday (the truth will set me free!!). Possibly I like feeling awful, or I assume I will feel awful anyway, and gluten is a handy explanation that can prevent me from looking any further for a root cause. Or I love bread, and am uncertain that life without bread is worth living.
If there's a 12-step for bread, I should probably join. Going forward, I will refer to gluten as "smack". I miss smack, but damn it makes me sick.
P.S. I'm not doing a Summary today. No one's reading this anyway, so I only have myself to disappoint. You lazy bitch.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Nearsightedness
Maybe the most important thing I did today was that I learned that walking around without glasses or contacts allows one to feel aloof without even trying. I can't care about things I can't see. Or anyway, I can't care about hipsters I can't see. This is exciting.
And also told some more people that I'm moving to Alabama to live by a swamp, and am going to grad school in 2010. So now hopefully I will have to actually do those things in order to look like a liar.
And also told some more people that I'm moving to Alabama to live by a swamp, and am going to grad school in 2010. So now hopefully I will have to actually do those things in order to look like a liar.
Triscuits and other bad ideas
Things I've accomplished so far today:
Walked Georgia
Showered
Ruined my gluten-free diet
Emailed two people for work
Bought coveralls on Amazon.com
Things I haven't accomplished yet today, but should have:
Probably too numerous to list
Walked Georgia
Showered
Ruined my gluten-free diet
Emailed two people for work
Bought coveralls on Amazon.com
Things I haven't accomplished yet today, but should have:
Probably too numerous to list
Sunday, January 18, 2009
All the good names were taken
In fact, even "All the Good Names Were Taken" was taken.
Since I do not expect my blog to be much more than a list of the stupid things I'm spending my time doing in an effort to stop hating life, I considered "How Was Your Day?", but that is the name of a blog belonging to someone who used to be on the Real World. There's also already a learnedhelplessness.blogspot.com, which is some sort of religious page, and anyway I give up. Locus of control is another idea I liked from psychology -- You could wiki it to make sure I'm getting this right, but basically people with an internal locus of control are happier than people with an external LoC because people with an internal LoC believe they can control things in their lives and their surroundings; they feel powerful whereas people with an external LoC feel like they are victims of fate, have no real control over their lives or the bad things that they see happening in the world. Or, you know, they're realistic. I think it's pretty obvious where I fall on that spectrum, but, you know, I'm told people can change. People are very excited about the future right now! I could be excited about the future too! I could be happy!
I know unemployment is at some kind of crazy high (7.8%? I should know these things). But I do want to quit my job. Even if it's just for a little while, and then I'd get another one. I want some time to think, but I need to know that I will not sit on the couch and watch VH1 and eat baguettes and brie all the livelong day if I'm unemployed, that I will find some way to be a productive member of society, write a mediocre novel, and find the happiness that has eluded me thus far. Also, I'd like some kind of guarantee that I would get into grad school in the Fall of 2010, but I am told there are no guarantees in life. I think my mother said that. But my mother also said I could move to the mountains and smoke weed if it would make me happy. I know putting this in writing does not prove that she said it, but she did. She said it, and I will remind her that she said it, and she will probably deny it, but that doesn't make it any less true. Unfortunately, I don't like weed, so I don't think it would make me happy. But I don't want to rule anything out right now. Mountains are kind of cool.
So, I'd like to try some new things, make some decisions, and I'd like to have some sort of record of the process, and something to keep me accountable. If I do spend an evening watching "Double Shot at Love" while drinking wine and eating brie and baguette (not gluten-free, tsk, tsk), I'd like to be able to tell myself that I am a lazy idiot who doesn't deserve to be happy. Or, you know, something less harsh but equally motivating. I'd like to have a plan by June, as my living situation will be changing in August, and I will have to decide whether there is some better place for me to be. Like a swamp in Alabama, or a trailer in Arizona.
When I told him I was moving from Cincinnati to San Francisco, Ironshins quoted me that line about, "Wherever you go, there you are." Of course I am the problem, but that doesn't mean that Cincinnati wasn't the problem too. San Francisco can't really be the problem -- everyone f*ing loves it here and you can sunbathe in January. But eventually I will be too old to do stupid things like moving across the country for no good reason. So that's one reason to try someplace new.
Since I do not expect my blog to be much more than a list of the stupid things I'm spending my time doing in an effort to stop hating life, I considered "How Was Your Day?", but that is the name of a blog belonging to someone who used to be on the Real World. There's also already a learnedhelplessness.blogspot.com, which is some sort of religious page, and anyway I give up. Locus of control is another idea I liked from psychology -- You could wiki it to make sure I'm getting this right, but basically people with an internal locus of control are happier than people with an external LoC because people with an internal LoC believe they can control things in their lives and their surroundings; they feel powerful whereas people with an external LoC feel like they are victims of fate, have no real control over their lives or the bad things that they see happening in the world. Or, you know, they're realistic. I think it's pretty obvious where I fall on that spectrum, but, you know, I'm told people can change. People are very excited about the future right now! I could be excited about the future too! I could be happy!
I know unemployment is at some kind of crazy high (7.8%? I should know these things). But I do want to quit my job. Even if it's just for a little while, and then I'd get another one. I want some time to think, but I need to know that I will not sit on the couch and watch VH1 and eat baguettes and brie all the livelong day if I'm unemployed, that I will find some way to be a productive member of society, write a mediocre novel, and find the happiness that has eluded me thus far. Also, I'd like some kind of guarantee that I would get into grad school in the Fall of 2010, but I am told there are no guarantees in life. I think my mother said that. But my mother also said I could move to the mountains and smoke weed if it would make me happy. I know putting this in writing does not prove that she said it, but she did. She said it, and I will remind her that she said it, and she will probably deny it, but that doesn't make it any less true. Unfortunately, I don't like weed, so I don't think it would make me happy. But I don't want to rule anything out right now. Mountains are kind of cool.
So, I'd like to try some new things, make some decisions, and I'd like to have some sort of record of the process, and something to keep me accountable. If I do spend an evening watching "Double Shot at Love" while drinking wine and eating brie and baguette (not gluten-free, tsk, tsk), I'd like to be able to tell myself that I am a lazy idiot who doesn't deserve to be happy. Or, you know, something less harsh but equally motivating. I'd like to have a plan by June, as my living situation will be changing in August, and I will have to decide whether there is some better place for me to be. Like a swamp in Alabama, or a trailer in Arizona.
When I told him I was moving from Cincinnati to San Francisco, Ironshins quoted me that line about, "Wherever you go, there you are." Of course I am the problem, but that doesn't mean that Cincinnati wasn't the problem too. San Francisco can't really be the problem -- everyone f*ing loves it here and you can sunbathe in January. But eventually I will be too old to do stupid things like moving across the country for no good reason. So that's one reason to try someplace new.
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